Friday, February 03, 2006

Home Economics

Laura: George, I don’t know what we’re going to do. The credit cards are maxed out, we’re in debt up to our eyeballs, the roof is leaking, the basement’s flooding, the furnace is out, our retirement fund went down with Enron and Junior needs an operation.

George: Laura, really. Have some confidence in me. I have a plan to cut our debt in half by the end of the year.

Laura: Oh George, you’re wonderful.

George: The first thing we do is to buy new appliances and furniture and borrow the money from the store – next we take out a third mortgage from Ditech.com for 150% of what our home is worth. I’ll find the highest bidder with the worst reputation for honesty to fix the house and with enough prayer; Junior’s appendix will clear up by itself.

Laura: But George. . .

George: Now at the end of the year, when the house is worth 50% more, I’ll borrow 150% of that and pay down the debt, pay off the furniture and the repairs and buy an SUV.

Laura: But George. . .

George: Now wait – here’s what makes it all work. I’m going to take a massive salary cut! With my employer's increased profits safely in a numbered offshore account where it will trickle down to me, we'll be rich! Now do you see?

Laura: Oh George! You’re a genius!

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